Why do people engage in affairs, infidelity, and betrayals? Why do some individuals become unfaithful or attract partners who cheat? Most relationship issues almost ALWAYS have a systemic root that goes beyond the dynamics between the couple.
John’s dilemma
John seems to have it all, a successful career, two wonderful children, and a loving wife, Lillian, with whom he shares a deep bond. They are the picture-perfect couple, always affectionate and supportive of each other. Yet, despite his seemingly happy life, John found himself drawn into an affair. This shocked him; he loves Lillian deeply, but something compelled him to seek intimacy elsewhere.
The systemic nature of relationship issues
When two people come together, the relationship involves more than just the two of you. Each person brings their entire family systems with them: your parents, siblings, grandparents, and the various dynamics, feelings, viewpoints, experiences and behaviors that have been ingrained over generations. This “baggage” can significantly impact the relationship, including issues that arise between partners such as infidelity.
Hidden dynamics leading to infidelity
The movement away from your spouse to someone else, even when one seems visibly happy with their spouse, often happens because of three hidden dynamics:
- Between you and your partner
- Attachment wounds and parental Trauma
- Unresolved ancestral entanglements and traumas
- Between you and your partner
Loss of a child
This hidden dynamic involves the loss of a child early in a relationship. When a couple experiences the loss of a conceived child, whether through miscarriage or abortion, it creates a void and a deep sense of unprocessed grief that can lead one partner to move away emotionally or physically. The actual underlying movement is an escape from the pain of losing what was lost, not just the child but also the consummation of love between the two people. In a family constellation, it is often seen that while the woman sinks into the grief of the loss, the man processes that grief by moving away. This does not justify an affair but helps explain the systemic movement behind it.
This unprocessed grief can lead one partner to distance themselves emotionally and physically from the relationship. Family constellations reveal that this movement is often a way of escaping the grief rather than addressing it directly.
Unprocessed emotions from previous relationships
People often bring unresolved emotions and traumas from previous relationships into their current ones. If someone has experienced betrayal or abuse in the past, they may unknowingly carry these unresolved feelings into their new relationship. This can create a cycle where the unresolved trauma is projected onto the current partner, leading to a repetition of the same issues, including infidelity.
The importance of honoring past relationships
Honoring past relationships, regardless of how they ended, is crucial. There was something beautiful at the beginning of those relationships otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen in love. Acknowledging that allows you to move forward without carrying unresolved trauma. When this is ignored, your current partner senses what is unresolved and repeats the trauma as an unconscious pointer telling you, “Hey this person needs to be honored”
2. Attachment wounds and parental trauma
One significant factor influencing infidelity is the attachment wounds and trauma individuals carry from their relationships with their parents. These unresolved issues can manifest in various ways within a relationship. For example, a man who has rejected his father due to past abuse may unconsciously carry feelings of unpreparedness and inadequacy into his adult relationships. This rejection creates a void that he tries to fill by seeking validation and acceptance elsewhere, often leading to infidelity.
Example of attachment wounds
Imagine a boy growing up in a household where his father mistreats his mother. The father might be abusive or simply not kind to her. The boy, seeing this, naturally sides with his mother and starts to reject his father. As he grows up, this rejection doesn’t just go away. Instead, it becomes a part of him, shaping how he views relationships.
When this boy becomes a man and enters into his own relationships, he might feel unprepared or unsure about how to be a good partner. This is because his idea of what it means to be a man, or a partner is heavily influenced by his negative feelings towards his father. He carries these unresolved issues into his relationships which can create problems like insecurity, fear of becoming like his father, or difficulty in forming a strong connection with his partner ultimately leading to cheating.
Everything he rejects in his father—whether it’s a temper, neglect, or another negative trait lingers within him. In an effort to integrate his identity, he might unconsciously adopt similar behaviors or attitudes, as he is inherently part of both parents. Half of his identity comes from his mother and half from his father.
The impact of parentification
When someone takes on the role of a proxy spouse for their parent, often due to rejecting the other parent, it creates a dependency that hinders their ability to form independent adult relationships. This can result in attracting partners who seek fulfillment elsewhere, reflecting the individual’s inability to separate from their parents.
As Esther Perel aptly states in her essay “ why happy people cheat”, Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves. This search often stems from unmet desires, expectations, and connections that we associate with our relationships with our parents, particularly our mothers. When these needs are not met, individuals may seek them in extramarital affairs.
Mirroring and attunement
The unmet desires and expectations in a relationship are often reflective of what we yearned for from our parents, particularly our mothers. The lack of mirroring and attunement in the parent-child relationship can lead to a constant search for these elements in adult relationships. This search can manifest as infidelity, where individuals seek the high of feeling desired and validated by someone new.
Conclusion: Healing through family constellations
Understanding these hidden dynamics and systemic roots through family constellations can provide profound insights and pathways for healing. Recognizing and addressing these underlying issues can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships, free from the unconscious patterns that drive infidelity and betrayal.
Discover in our upcoming blog how ancestral entanglements and traumas could be affecting your current relationships.
