When I was eight, I scored the winning goal in my school’s soccer game. Bursting with excitement, I ran home to tell my parents, expecting them to be as thrilled as I was. Instead, they looked at me skeptically and asked, “Are you sure you’re not exaggerating?” My heart sank. It wasn’t just about the game. They doubted my grades, my friends, even my dreams. This constant doubt made me feel like I had to prove myself over and over, and it really weighed me down. It was a heavy burden that would continue to shape my self-perception and interactions with the world, deeply affecting my self-confidence.
1. The birth of doubt
For many individuals, the feeling of being disbelieved by parents can start early in life. This can be particularly common in families where parents are highly critical or have very high expectations. The circumstances surrounding these feelings often involve a lack of emotional validation. When children’s emotions and experiences are consistently questioned or dismissed, they start to internalize the belief that their feelings and perceptions are unreliable, which undermines their self-confidence.
2. Inherited trauma and its impact
These feelings can also be traced back to inherited trauma. Generational trauma refers to the transfer of emotional pain from one generation to the next. Parents who have experienced their own traumas may unconsciously project their unresolved issues onto their children. For instance, a parent who grew up in a household where they were constantly criticized might unconsciously treat you the same way. This creates a cycle of doubt, insecurity, and diminished self-confidence.
3. Manifestations in daily life
a. Parenting
If you felt disbelieved as a child, you might find it hard to trust your own kids. You might question their honesty or achievements, which can strain your relationship with them. This might lead to being overprotective or very strict, which can push your kids away.
b. Professional life
At work, this need to prove yourself can make you overwork and burn out. You might always seek validation from your boss or coworkers, doubting your own skills. This makes it hard to take credit for your successes and makes you afraid of failing, further undermining your self-confidence.
c. Leadership roles
As a boss, these feelings of disbelief can result in micromanagement and lack of trust in employees. Leaders might struggle to delegate tasks, fearing that others cannot meet their standards. This not only hampers team productivity but also creates a toxic work environment.
d. Personal relationships
In romantic relationships, the inability to trust can wreak havoc on intimate relationships. The constant need for reassurance and validation can be exhausting for both partners. Overexplaining and a persistent fear of not being enough can lead to misunderstandings and emotional distance.
4. The underlying need to prove yourself
The belief that you’re not trusted or believed often creates an underlying need to constantly prove your worth. This can manifest as:
- Overexplaining: You give too many details to make sure people believe you.
- Talking a lot: You dominate conversations, trying to make your point over and over.
- Feeling not enough: A pervasive sense of inadequacy that colors every aspect of your life.
- Inability to trust: This extends to yourself and those around you, including loved ones. You question the sincerity of people who express their love for you because you can’t trust your own judgment.
5. Healing these feelings and beliefs
Healing from these deep-seated feelings involves several practical steps. Here’s how it looks in real life:
Deeply loving and accepting yourself
Start a journal where each day you write down three things you’re grateful for, alongside a few minutes of reflection on your day. This practice helps you shift focus from what’s lacking to appreciating what you have. In the evening, note positive interactions or accomplishments and explore any challenging moments with empathy and understanding. This combined approach fosters a mindset of gratitude and self-awareness, helping you to recognize and celebrate the good in your life while compassionately addressing the difficulties.
Acknowledging your feelings
Honor your emotions by accepting them, without judgment. If you feel hurt, disappointed, or afraid, acknowledge it. This can be done through mindfulness practices, therapy, or talking to a trusted friend. By recognizing these feelings, you begin to validate your own experiences and rebuild your self-confidence.
Understand that acknowledging your deep, dark feelings and disappointments allows you to move forward. It’s a crucial step in healing. This might involve revisiting past traumas with a therapist or through self-reflection.
6. The importance of honoring your feelings
Not honoring your feelings can lead to various negative outcomes:
- Emotional suppression: Bottling up emotions can result in anxiety, depression, and physical health issues. When you suppress your feelings, they don’t disappear; they manifest in other harmful ways.
- Strained relationships: When you don’t acknowledge your feelings, you might project unresolved issues onto others, causing misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Loss of self-identity: Ignoring your feelings can lead to a disconnection from your true self, making it harder to understand and pursue your genuine desires and goals.
7. The judgment around honoring feelings
In many cultures, especially those with strong religious influences, there can be significant judgment surrounding the acknowledgment and honoring of one’s feelings. This judgment often labels such expressions as:
- Faithlessness: Admitting to struggles or negative emotions can be seen as a lack of faith or trust in a higher power. However, true faith involves acknowledging human vulnerability and seeking support and strength through it.
- Negativity: Expressing disappointment, fear, or sadness is sometimes viewed as being negative or pessimistic. This perspective can discourage open communication and emotional honesty.
Understanding and countering these judgments:
- Reframe faith: Recognize that acknowledging and working through your emotions is a form of faith in itself – faith in your resilience and in the process of healing.
- Challenge negativity myths: Understand that expressing emotions is not about being negative; it’s about being real. Authenticity in your feelings leads to genuine healing and growth.
Disclaimer: While the story shared in this blog post is inspired by real-life experiences, it does not depict any specific client’s journey. Every piece of information shared in our sessions is treated with strict confidence and is not disclosed to any third party without explicit consent.
