You’re out with friends, having a great time, and someone teases you. Suddenly, you feel yourself shutting down or even fighting waves of hurt and embarrassment. Logically, you know it’s just a joke, but emotionally, it feels like a personal attack. As Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher explains, these intense reactions often stem from unresolved emotional wounds carried over from early childhood. Though we may have grown up, parts of our inner selves are still reliving difficult moments from our earliest years, shaping the way we react and feel as adults.
Why our childhood selves still run the show
One powerful example from Fisher’s work is about these “younger selves” that each of us carry. Think of them as emotional snapshots of your 3-year-old self, 5-year-old self, and so on. Each of these parts remembers moments of hurt, fear, or feeling unsafe and holds onto them, thinking they need to keep you safe in the same way they once did. It’s a survival mechanism, but it gets complicated when these parts start running the show in your adult life.
Let’s take Ben’s story as an example. Ben is a successful professional, but anytime he has to speak in front of a group, he freezes up, gets sweaty, and stumbles over his words. The funny thing? He’s great at his job, and everyone loves his insights. The problem is that his inner 6-year-old is terrified of being laughed at, an experience he went through in school. So, in any situation that even remotely resembles that early embarrassment, this young part takes over, convinced it’s still protecting him from the pain of rejection. Ben’s adult self wants to succeed, but his childhood self is still hiding in fear.
Recognizing your triggers as survival responses
When you start recognizing these reactions as survival responses, it’s a game-changer. You stop seeing yourself as “overly sensitive” or “bad at handling criticism” and start realizing that these responses were necessary back then but don’t serve you anymore. In Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, Fisher explains that acknowledging these parts can be incredibly healing.
Let’s say you’re in a relationship, and your partner forgets to call you back. Instantly, you feel rejected and unloved. This might be coming from a part of you that experienced emotional neglect in childhood, where being ignored felt painful and personal. In these moments, recognizing that it’s a younger part of you that feels this rejection can help you avoid reacting out of that old pain. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by these emotions, you start to view them as signals from a part of you that still needs healing and understanding.
Practical steps to heal your fragmented parts
Now, it’s one thing to know that you have these younger parts, but what do you do about it? Fisher emphasizes that healing is about forming a compassionate relationship with these parts, rather than pushing them away. Here’s how you can start:
- Notice when you’re triggered
Begin by paying attention to moments when your emotional reaction feels bigger than the situation at hand. This is usually a sign that a younger part of you has been triggered. - Pause and acknowledge the feeling
Instead of pushing the feeling away, try pausing and asking, “What part of me is feeling this way?” Recognize that this isn’t your whole self it’s just a part, usually much younger, that is still trying to protect you. - Reassure the younger part
When you feel overwhelmed, try speaking to this part of yourself as you would to a young child. For example, “Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but I’m okay now. I can handle this.” This may feel strange at first, but it sends a powerful message to your inner self. - Practice self-compassion
Fisher’s work emphasizes that you can’t heal through criticism or shame. When these younger parts show up, treat yourself with kindness, recognizing that these reactions once served a purpose.
Embracing all parts of yourself
Healing doesn’t mean getting rid of these parts, it means integrating them so that they don’t control you anymore. You can learn to understand and soothe these parts, giving them what they needed but didn’t get in childhood. Over time, this allows you to respond to life as your whole, adult self rather than feeling taken over by younger, more vulnerable parts.
In Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, Fisher shows us that by recognizing and accepting these parts, we can finally release old patterns that keep us stuck. The path to healing isn’t about “fixing” yourself; it’s about giving each of these parts a voice and letting them know they’re safe now. When you do this, you’ll find that situations that used to throw you off balance don’t affect you in the same way. You’ll respond with resilience and calm, and the “you” in the present will finally take the lead.
So next time you feel that surge of anger, shame, or sadness over something small, pause. Remember, it’s just a younger part of you, carrying a burden it’s time to let go of. By embracing these parts with compassion, you’re not only healing the fragments, you’re becoming whole.
